After some further conversation I was sure that I had found the litter. But Lorraine couldn’t commit to selling a puppy she hadn’t yet seen based on an some unborn Afghan telepathically communicating with me. While she was open to “phenomena” of that sort, she hadn’t seen the pups yet. The one I was describing might not be in the litter, or if it was, it might be one she wanted to keep. Despite her considerations, I boldly sent her a check for $1,000 anyway.
Hyacinth and her eight pups
| Hyacinth began to go into labor on June 14th, my mother’s birthday. She had died several years prior and I could totally imagine her current influence in this situation. The chain of events leading to Shaqqara bore my mother's distinctive mark, not the least of which was the attempted birthday delivery date. The pups were born just over the line of her birthday early on June 15, 1999.
Just born | Lorraine called immediately, “It was just as you said! I have two females, one cream and one black and the cream one has an odd kink in her tail with a white tip, as if to distinguish her.” “That’s Shaqqara and her curly Q!” I shouted into the phone. I was so excited and relieved to know I had found Shaqqara for certain. “We’ll see how the pups progress,” said Lorraine. “She might be the pick of the litter and therefore the best show dog.” Brashly ignoring her considerations, I sent Lorraine a purple T-shirt for Shaqqara so that she would know my smell and be reminded daily that I would be coming for her soon. When the T-shirt arrived, Lorraine spread it out on the floor of the dog’s pen and left the room. When she came back to check on the pups soon afterwards, she found not only Shaqqara, but the entire litter curled up and sound asleep on the purple T-shirt! She called me in amazement, “I don’t know what’s going on here, but I can see that something unusual is certainly happening!” As the puppies grew a little older, somehow Lorraine became more and more convinced that Shaqqara was my dog. Caringly, she stayed in close touch and began relating puppy antics. The puppies are located in her grooming room she explained, and Shaqqara is the most alert and perky of all the pups, seeming to be the leader of the pack. That figures, I thought to myself, Shaqqara is just like my mom. In one story, Shaqqara ran across the room, grabbed a pink bow made of ribbon from the grooming supply box and trotted back across the room with it in her mouth, laughing the whole way. Lorraine laughed too, seeing Shaqqara’s snooty tooty and whimsical personality developing. That convinced her for sure that Shaqqara was my dog after my previous descriptions of her snooty tootness. Finally, Lorraine began sending me long awaited pictures of Shaqqara. To me, she was the cutest thing I had ever seen.
Too cute for words | When the day arrived to pick up Shaqqara, I sensed that my whole life was about to change in ways I could not even begin to anticipate. I flew to Utah to spend a day with Lorraine and the litter and to take Shaqqara home. Laden with chewies, a carrying case and quilts I arrived to meet my new companion. When I saw her in the back of the large pen, I called to her and she telepathically beamed back to me, “Hi, you’ve come!” Without even coming over to say hi, she ran off to play. Not very Golden Retriever like, I noted. Later I was able to hold her for only a moment before she squirmed out of my arms to go dash around the floor. I noticed her almost hyperactive energy and wondered what on earth I had gotten myself into. I was used to a calm, affectionate dog, and she appeared to be neither. As I sat watching her, however, I began to see something else. As her body was racing around it seemed to be responding to a twelve foot tall luminous form of a female spirit who was anchoring its energy in this little puppy body. The energy of this large spirit was so intense that the body of the puppy was having trouble adjusting to it. Her physical body would race around here and there trying to acclimate to the huge surges of energy pouring into it. I adjusted my focus from the puppy body to the spirit and was able to make contact with the spirit. Suddenly, I was flooded with an ecstatic energy that I recognized from my original vision of Shaqqara. I realized that part of my role would be to help this little puppy body adjust to the powerful energy of its magnificent and radiant spirit. This proved to be no small feat.
That rope sure wore me out! | After a while Shaqqara tired of tugging on her rope toy and fell sound asleep. While she was napping, another little cream puppy caught my eye. Most of the rest of the litter was dark and this little light guy stood out along with Shaqqara. I asked Lorraine about him. She showed me the special little ridge of hair which ran from his forehead slightly down between his eyes. She called this the mark of Allah and said that in folklore it was told to have been put there by the finger of Allah; therefore she had named him Ali. This puppy Ali, she explained, had already demonstrated that he was the most regal and commanding of all the pups. As I was musing about Ali, my attention was quickly drawn back to Shaqqara who had just awakened. It was time to drive to the airport to board the plane. I wrapped her in a quilt and held her in my arms as she wailed and cried her eyes out during the entire drive. I could hear her saying goodbye to her mother, father and siblings. Each time she cried, I cried along with her, knowing that she was leaving her canine family behind to start a new life with me. I was now her family. This new life was wrought with challenges, not the least of which was that we didn’t have a home to move into yet. The house I had just rented was still under construction so the owner put his motor home in the driveway for me to use, with the stern warning that Shaqqara could not go inside it. He suggested that I sleep in the motor home and tie her to a nearby tree. He informed me that the fenced yard would keep out the coyotes and mountain lions and that the snakes, scorpions and black widows wouldn’t bother her, so not to worry. Leaving my puppy tied to a tree was not an option for me, I looked around for other possibilities. One of the reasons I had rented this place, in addition to the beautiful expansive ocean view, was its rustic but large dog house that doubled as a gardening shed. Around it was an enclosed fence situated on the two acres of raw, hilly land overlooking the ocean. “This will have to do,” I muttered to Shaqqara. I spread out sheets and down comforters on a thick foam pad in the dog house to make a bed for the two of us. A flashlight, cell phone and water completed our basic camp where we ended up sleeping for two months until the house was ready for occupancy. My first night with Shaqqara was ecstatic. She slept draped across my neck all night as she poured wave after wave of blissful energy into me. We awoke in a sea of love. Day after day the large spirit of Shaqqara would appear and communicate with me as well as transmit beautiful healing energies to the clients who would arrive to have sessions in the temporary motor home. Many could see or sense her beautiful spirit as she worked with them.
From the start it was as if we had merged into one being. I loved her more than anything in the world. Handling her physical body was another matter entirely, and it took years for her spirit and body to come together into an integrated flow. She expressed her excess energy mostly through her mouth and with sudden running jags. She would suddenly jump up and tear around in large figure eights and then just as suddenly plop down exhausted. Moments later she would jump up and do it again. I was interested in the figure eight shape because each time she completed the circuit her spirit and her body would come more into union. Her other trick was to unexpectedly run up behind me, nip my tush and run away laughing. She well deserved her nickname “shark mouth.” As a matter of course she would charge at me, grab on with those sharp puppy teeth which would inadvertently tear my skin and clothes. While not aggressive or purposely hurtful, her behavior was extreme and kept up for a long time despite the many specialists I called in for consultations and training. Unprepared for such extreme behavior, we made gradual progress, but my arms to this day tell the tale of having been gouged by sharp little puppy teeth. In addition to her biting propensities she had major health challenges as well. After a few months she developed pneumonia and came close to the brink of death. The vet told me that in all honesty he wasn’t sure she would pull through but he would do his best. He was willing to break the hospital’s rules to let me spend all day and night in the crate with her.
She was hooked up to an IV and I sat vigil on the floor of her metal cage for several days and nights. Friends came in shifts to bring water and other supplies as I held her and remained deep in meditation. I put aside my own terror that she would die and stayed focused on her spirit’s desire to live. I committed myself to her more absolutely than I had ever committed to anything. After several days she finally opened her eyes and looked deeply into mine. The illness had begun to break. I took her home weak and exhausted but she had pulled through. Both front legs were shaved from the IV and when I jokingly commented that she looked like a French Poodle she shot me the dirtiest look I had ever seen. She stuck her snoot in the air, “I am an Afghan! ” She was emaciated but wouldn’t eat. She usually liked chicken so I rushed to the store for chicken. She turned up her nose at raw chicken but she wouldn’t eat it cooked. I wracked my brains as to what to do. In a flash I knew; I had to do what a mother dog would do. A mother dog would chew up the meat, spit it out and feed it to the pup. That’s exactly what I did, and lo and behold Shaqqara ate. She was so hungry that she wolfed it down faster than I could chew it and spit it out. Meal after meal we repeated this feeding ritual until gradually she had gained enough strength to eat on her own again. I heaved a great sigh of relief when that episode passed and my jaws and taste buds got a needed break. No sooner had the pneumonia passed than she broke her tail and when that healed, she broke her toe. Then, she chased down those events with another round of pneumonia. The instant she recovered, she had to undergo an emergency spaying due to a serious uterine infection. As she seemed to be healing, the internal dissolvable stitches became infected and had to be removed. Little did I know I would become a dog medical specialist overnight. Fortunately, I knew nothing of the severity of the challenges we would be facing ahead of time. The extreme biting was still persistent in between the health episodes and her barking was getting out of control. She was also having difficulty making physical contact and was still racing around like a maniac. Afghan experts told me not to expect her to be physically close because it was in the breed to be independent. While that made sense, my heart told me that something else was happening beyond independence and fortunately, I listened to my heart. To help her get more anchored in her body, we played games of chase during which she would jump on top of me. I would grab her gently and hold her close. She loved these games and at first would struggle to get free but would then melt into my arms with a huge sigh of relief. Each time I held her a little longer and as her body learned to relax, she became better adjusted to her spirit and the biting began to diminish. Eventually, she would jump into my lap when she wanted love or comfort. She grew more affectionate day by day.
Puppy kisses |
Hanging out in
my mom's lap |
Would you call this a great hair day? | After two years of handling Shaqqara’s challenges, along with my own ten year bout with chronic fatigue syndrome, I was looking forward to a respite. Lorraine called from out of the blue. She informed me that Ali had just been returned to her. He had been living in the home of a hairdresser, her husband and their five children. The hairdresser had apparently bought Ali for the glamorous image he portrayed. Her alibi for giving Ali back to Lorraine was that they were getting divorced and couldn’t keep him. I instantly felt that there was more to the story than that. Lorraine needed a home for Ali and she said that she had a strong intuition that he belonged with me and Shaqqara. Needless to say, the thought of taking on another dog seemed absolutely inconceivable. I told her no, but she insisted on sending me his picture right away.
Shalim | The sun was setting across the sparkling ocean as I opened the email with Ali’s picture. That little pup I had noticed two years ago had grown up to be a strikingly handsome young dog, but my mind was made up; I couldn’t handle another dog. As I sat gazing at his picture, suddenly it was as if his spirit penetrated my heart. I felt a delicious warmth spreading through my whole body like when I had first beheld Shaqqara. His energy was deeply masculine and strong and I had no ability to resist his love. While I was melting into him and the sunset simultaneously, he began to speak deliberately and clearly. His voice was confident, gentle and deep. “I am Shalim. I belong with you and Shaqqara. I have been in hiding for two years now, masquerading as Ali so that no one would recognize me. This was intentional so that Shaqqara and I would break our brother-sister bond in order to come back together in a new way. It’s time for me to drop the façade of Ali and show myself to you as who I really am. I am Shalim and I’m ready to come home.” The truth of his message hit me so hard that tears of joy and pain ran down my face simultaneously. Without a moment’s thought I grabbed the phone and called Lorraine. “How soon can you get him here?” I asked. She said she could fly him out in a few weeks. Shaqqara was ecstatic about his imminent arrival and I didn’t know what to expect. During our last night alone together we talked deeply of his joining us and I assured her of my love for her. I was thinking in earthly emotional terms such as sibling rivalry. Since I had decided to get a second dog, people had been sharing their stories with me about the fighting over food, snapping at each other, jealousies and the terrible sibling rivalry that often occurred. I didn’t know what would ensue between the two of them and I was too exhausted to handle anything along those lines. Strangely, though, I had a sense that it wouldn’t be like that. Shaqqara assured me that there was no jealousy. She spoke of the intimate relationship between the two of them and amongst the three of us. I was reassured.
We awoke the next day in eager anticipation of the arrival of the handsome Shalim. Shockingly, what arrived in our driveway was a scrawny dog who was not only dazed from his first airplane flight, but who could make no contact whatsoever with anyone.
The two of them could not have been more opposite on the surface. I was used to Shaqqara’s numerous facial expressions as well as her humorous and ever present vocal opinions. Like my mom, she had something to say about everything and everyone, and kept me quite entertained with her funny antics and opinions. He wore a serious, shutdown and expressionless mask.
Shalim has just arrived | Shalim and Shaqqara immediately recognized each other, but he made no contact with her. I grew concerned as I observed how distant and stony he was, but I said nothing to Lorraine. When I reached for him there was no response and to the contrary, he turned away. Shalim had stayed in Lorraine’s proximity while she was there, but as soon as she left he bolted and ran around the perimeter of the property. He wouldn’t come when called, not even for dinner and was exhibiting strange behavior. What neither Lorraine nor I knew at that time was that he had been severely neglected and badly abused at the hairdresser’s house. Shalim insisted on staying outside where he felt free to run away and would not come into the house or near me when I was outside. Day after day I sat outdoors for hours with chunks of fresh raw meat and would throw them in his direction, each chunk closer to me than the one before. One day, he finally came over and took the meat out of my hands, then bolted. He was like a terrified, wild animal. I seriously thought I had made a terrible mistake and wondered where the magnificent Shalim had gone. As with Shaqqara, I was totally unprepared as to how to handle Shalim’s difficulties and had to fly on instinct. Through the meat ritual, I began to earn his trust. One night he finally came inside the house with me and Shaqqara. He insisted on sleeping on the floor far from the bed, so I carefully positioned his favorite quilt on the floor at a distance from the bed. He gratefully lay down on it and each day I inched it closer to the bed. One day as we were preparing for bed I heard Shalim say, “I’m finished with that quilt now.” I took the quilt away and to my delight, he jumped onto the bed with us. He stayed far away at the foot of the bed whereas Shaqqara was in her usual position on my neck, but now with her head only as she was fully grown. Night after night Shalim inched closer to me and gradually took to leaning his head across my legs. I would gently reach down and stroke his head and talk to him. I could feel him melting despite his stony mask. Finally, one night he came close enough for a full body cuddle and he slept pressed up against me all night. From then on, the three of us would sleep in a big pile all night long. At night when he was asleep, his beautiful spirit would appear as would Shaqqara's and the three of us would entwine in a loving embrace. This love gave me the fortitude to persist through the constant challenges. While Shalim was beginning to make contact, two other disturbing behaviors that had exhibited themselves from the start were not improving. He would pee in the house on every plant and couch. Worse yet, he would snap and nip at people when feeling threatened. I was always tense when people were around for fear that he might bite them. I had to hold him by the collar when a person arrived and even so he would try to lunge at them. He also still wore his serious, stony mask. I consulted another specialist. He evaluated Shalim and said that he was not at all aggressive, but was super defensive about anyone invading his space. He said that Shalim would clearly send the approaching person or dog a message to stay away but when the “intruder” didn’t listen, he would defend his territory by snapping at them. Since he was on such a short fuse, he interpreted almost everyone except me and Shaqqara as an intruder and carved out an extremely large space around himself. He didn’t feel safe with dogs, adults and children and particularly not with adult men. I wondered if something had happened to him with a man, and one night I decided to ask him to tell me what had frightened him so. He showed me mental pictures of being totally neglected with no caring contact. He was left outdoors and his only friend was a large rock that he would sit on for hours watching the birds and surveying the territory. Lorraine later confirmed that she had heard about him sitting on this rock in the hairdresser’s yard.
Am I not totally adorable? | In addition to the neglect, he showed me pictures of male arms striking him from above. It broke my heart, but I was glad he told me. I held him for hours like a baby and told him how sorry I was that he had been abused and that I wished I could have been with him as a puppy even though I understood why that hadn’t been so. I pictured him as a puppy and described to him how I would have held him and played with him. He had been such a precious little thing. I asked him if he would be willing to pretend he was a puppy and start again from scratch. I would raise him in love this time. He agreed. Again, I had to go on instinct since I was not a dog specialist. Day after day I spent hours holding him, stroking him and talking to him with Shaqqara close by participating. We played puppy games and I told him what a sweet precious little baby he was. I noticed that he now felt safer near me than away, so I kept him on a leash which I tied around my waist. This way, he stayed close to me constantly whether in or out of the house. He began to get the message that he was safe and protected. Even though he was still snapping at people and peeing inside the house, one day as we were playing, despite his serious mask he smiled at me. It was amazing to see and I was overcome with joy. As he opened up, a little at a time, he and Shaqqara bonded more deeply as he and I did, but his behaviors were still a problem. I had done everything I knew to do for him so I decided to search myself more deeply. I realized that even though I loved him, I hadn’t yet fully given him my fullest heart. Inwardly I was annoyed at him for being so scared, for snapping at people and for staining my new white couch with smelly pee. I hadn’t found compassion for his fears. I had regarded his problems as impediments and was expecting him to act like his beautiful spirit. I had not fully embraced the scared animal part of him. I realized that I wasn’t yet fully accepting that aspect of myself either. I apologized to Shalim for having been unable to receive his animal instinctive nature as deeply as I had already received his spirit from the start. I asked him to forgive me for my conditionality. As I gave him my heart completely, I also accepted his fearful nature unconditionally. Immediately after that talk he began to grow up and became even more open. I could sense him going through a teenage stage and then finally become the young adult that he was. One day at the park I was making silly noises and he looked at me smiling and laughing. I couldn’t believe it was the same dog!
Opening up isn't so bad after all!
Spikey Toots | Gradually, the stony serious mask wore away and he became more delightful and adorable even while still being dignified, elegant and noble. I began to include him in the nicknames which had begun in Shaqqara’s puppyhood. Her nicknames originated with Snooty Toots and expanded to Pooky Toots or Spikey Toots when she had a big spike of hair sticking up on top of her head, which was often. Somehow, the two of them became Pooky Toots, Pooks or Pookies.
Life is getting better | Shalim began to join Shaqqara in her pranks and suddenly I had two butt biting Pooks. They took delight in sneaking up from behind and grabbing a bite. Another game they thought fun was to come running at me at full speed only to veer off at the last possible second, or running between my legs at full tilt!
Ready or not, here I come! |
Feeling free! | In private, they liked their nicknames, but one day at the park while Shalim was in a dignified mood, teaching a pushy dog respect, without thinking I shouted to him loudly across the park, “Baby Toots!” He turned and gave me such a humiliated and dirty look that needless to say, I got the point and never did that again! During the entire period of Shalim’s transformation, Shaqqara continued in her own growth as well. She went through several more bouts with pneumonia and ended up in the hospital each time. Now, Shalim joined me in taking care of her during her hospital stay and at home afterwards. He stood guard and periodically went over to kiss her while I held her. Each time she recovered, she would emerge lighter and freer as if the illness had burned off a heavy burden of darkness. She let me know that illness was how she was handling the tremendous spiritual changes she was undergoing and not to be too concerned. After each episode Shaqqara and Shalim would deepen their relationship as well. They would constantly lie draped over each other in a yin and yang position, one leaning on or resting their head on the each other, kissing and playing.
Mirror images |
Pookies playing |
Two heads in one bowl |
As Shaqqara had foretold, they never got jealous or fought over food or anything else for that matter. Instead, I would always see them cooperating and supporting each other in all aspects of life. Even during meals, their two heads would be side by side eating from the same bowl.
Self-service is the way to go! | At a certain point in her healing, Shaqqara let me know that her diet needed to change. I stocked the freezer with fresh raw lamb, rabbit, beef, fish, chicken, turkey, duck and quail so she could make her choice each day. Stinkiest of all was the tripe which came in goat, beef and lamb. Each time she chose tripe and eagerly chowed down on her treasured food, I almost gagged just on the smell alone. In her inimitable way, she ignored my reaction and found a way to help herself. My bargain with her was the she could eat the stinky tripe and chew on bones to her heart’s content if she would wear a snood over her head and a long sleeved shirt to prevent her from sliming her hair and stinking up the house. “I’m glad you love that stinky stuff,” I told her, “but I can’t shampoo you every day and I’m not willing to sleep with you reeking of it!” She reluctantly agreed to the clothing because the tripe and bones were worth it.
Being a shark mouth comes in handy |
I'm tired, maybe I've lost my touch | Shalim, always the diplomat, was more willing to wear whatever was needed to have access to his prized bones.
Mom doesn't like me slimed |
Now I'm gettin' down |
Forget the wish, let's
just eat that thing! | Shalim used his own gentlemanly powers of persuasion to get what he wanted. He would act patient and calm as he stood by, waiting for a coveted piece of birthday cheesecake. While his external demeanor was respectful, he didn’t fool me because I could hear him mumbling under his breath, “Forget blowing out the candle and making a wish, let’s just hurry up and eat that thing!" Their new wardrobe of snoods and sweatshirts was minor compared to what the two of them formerly had to wear. They needed something to protect them from the enormous quantity of burrs on the rough property in Montecito before we moved to the more manicured Rancho Santa Fe. It only took one experience of the two of them covered from head to foot with burrs which took hours of painstaking removal to convince me to become creatively resourceful. Full body bodysuits was the way to go and besides, they moved like ballet dancers anyway!
Like my new decorations, Mom? |
Baryshnikov and Fonteyn | Gradually, they acquired an entire wardrobe for all of their doggy needs. They had sweaters, yellow rain slickers and plush cream bathrobes.
Modeling our new sweaters |
Dressed for every occassion | Since they were both sensitive to being wet and cold I struck another bargain with both of them. After baths, they would not have to endure the much despised blow drying if they would be willing to wear a warm bathrobe to protect their lungs. Getting wet and cold made them both cough.
I hate baths. I feel like a drowned rat. |
Do I look elegant or what? |
Would you like a treat? | Shaqqara’s biting eventually stopped except for playful biting, her favorite spots being Shalim’s ears and butt bites. Shalim gradually stopped peeing inside the house and stopped nipping at people. In most situations he smiled at people and felt safe. We continued to make progress and have fun playing games. One of our favorite games was, “Would you like a treat?” in which they would oblige me with head tilts and ear raises.
They would also humor me by looking straight ahead when I was hiding, pretending they didn’t see me.
We're pretending we don't know she's there |
Hey, what's holding up the works? | When I did something Shaqqara didn’t like, such as keep her waiting too long for a walk or asking her to hold the fanny pack until we start walking, she would stick her curly Q in the air just to remind me who is boss. They participated in workshops, assisting in many powerful healings.
Did I hear you correctly? |
You said WHAT? | Shalim, always the diplomat asked workshop participants politely to repeat themselves when they became unclear. Shaqqara, on the other hand would never hesitate to show her true feelings about what someone said.
I'm graduating too! |
I got a special pink ribbon for graduation! | Bonded with the participants of a year long Intensive, they joined the graduation ceremony. Shalim chose a heart and Shaqqara wore her pink ribbon proudly.
They both worked hard throughout each weekend workshop moving a tremendous amount of energy through their bodies. Shalim liked to sit proudly at the end of a workshop pleased with a job well done. Shaqqara customarily took a well deserved rest.
I love my boa! It's a guy thing! |
Whew, I'm glad it's over! |
Have faith, Shalim, I'm sure I
can get our treats jar open! | Shaqqara learned learned to handle her animal instincts so that the power of her spirit could prevail. Always the initiator, she used her skills in very practical ways like opening the treats jar for Shalim.
Shalim continued to become increasingly happy and free. When he got a certain blissful expression with his eyes half closed like a yogi meditating I teased him about being in Doggy Samadhi. I watched him shift from being blissed out to ecstasy to Samadhi.
Blissed out! |
I'm in ecstasy! |
Doggy Samadhi | We loved hanging out cuddling and listening to the birds.
Pookie pile . . . family samadhi | Best of all, at the end of each day we would melt into each other. Needless to say, I am utterly in love with my Pooks; they are everything to me.
Birthday Outing | On June 15, 2004, their fifth birthday, I took them down to the beach. While they ran and looked out over the ocean, I could see that the changes they had undergone had been profound and a phase of our lives was complete.
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| Shalim |
Shaqqara |
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Shalim's Gift  Year after year Shalim progressed through his gripping fears. By now, he and Shaqqara were six years old, almost seven. His body, which had been rigid with fear, had now relaxed to the point where I could jump on him and gently push him down on the sand and he would surrender. Previously, any such action would result in him fighting and struggling to free himself, bolting, or freezing like a deer in the headlights. Now, he gently relaxed, welcoming the play and affection. This new openness also included a shift from being solitary and anti-social to friendly and sociable. Previously, Shaqqara was the life of the party, greeting everyone, and now Shalim insisted on approaching each person we encountered to say hi. He even tolerated them petting his long, silky blond mane. He began to smile and laugh when he ran, as the old mask of fear, isolation and seriousness dropped away. On the evening of March 18, 2006 the three of us were on the beach playing. I remember wondering to myself what was next for Shalim’s journey, as he seemed to have completed a whole stage of growth. No answer came to my musings that evening. The next morning, on March 19, 2006 the answer came. I was in the shower in preparation for workshop later that day. As the warm water massaged my head, I was musing about the focus for the day. Suddenly, the most horrifying screams came from outside. Grabbing a robe, I ran out to find Shalim on his cot screaming the most horrendous death-like sounds I had ever heard from a person or animal. In a panic I tried to pick up his 70 pound body to get him quickly to the vet, but it soon became clear that it seemed best to put him down gently inside the house on the rug. These sounds continued cyclically for five to ten minutes as I helplessly held him. His eyes gradually closed and within moments he slipped away. In numb shock and disbelief, I clutched his lifeless form only to see his spirit lift up from his body. He appeared to me as a magnificent man emanating a beautiful radiant light. He was smiling as he held out one hand beckoning me to come with him. With the other hand, he held open a door through which I could perceive a light so brilliant that I was blinded by its intensity. He began to speak to me, “Two weeks ago you asked to go more deeply into your heart. . I have been aware that you needed help to transition to your next level, so I let go of my body to best help your transition. I am holding the door open through which you will enter into a deeper embrace of love in your heart.” His words rang true but I was inconsolable. Every day as he pressed his heart against my heart and nuzzled his head into my neck and shoulder, I would melt into an indescribable love. Through his eyes my heart would open. Every gaze upon him took my breath away. As I would bury my face in his silky hair, his exotic fragrance would transport me. “I am sending parts of myself into you and Shaqqara. I am part of both of you.”
A voice spoke, “Shalim has demonstrated a conscious death. Beings like him will give their lives so that the one they love might grow further in love. Grieve him, then find gratitude for the gift he has given. If you say, ‘Shalim, you shouldn’t have,’ you will invalidate not just the giver but also the gift.’” Whoever spoke was reading my mind, for that was precisely what I was feeling. I didn’t want to him have gone that route. I wanted him here with me in physical form. They went on, “Shalim will bring you many gifts, but one will shine above the rest. It will come in the form of a human man who carries Shalim’s energy. This relationship has eluded you for years. After you are with this man and have both released all judgments that arise, you shall know this love and live in the joy of it. Shalim’s spirit shall be with you and this man. Grieve now and don’t forget to find gratitude when you can.” Blessedly, people had begun to arrive for the workshop. They shared my grief as they also loved Shalim. Some held Shaqqara, others held me, while others took Shalim’s body to be cremated. He asked that his ashes be scattered in the ocean. Torrents of tears came from the deepest recesses of my soul as I cracked open and emotionally died yet another death. Shaqqara grieved too. We sat side by side in the emptiness, listless and uncomprehending. The first night was the worst. When I got into bed with Shaqqara in her usual place on my neck and shoulder, I felt Shalim take his usual place resting his head on my legs and belly. The weight of his spirit was palpable. We slept in the usual way we had for years. In my dreams, he ran towards me smiling, with his hair flying everywhere. He was happy and free and we were together as always. I awoke from this beautiful dream with a hole in my soul. After four days of gut wrenching sobs that were so deep I lost my voice, the worst of it was over. Then the crying became intermittent instead of constant. I could see his doggy body and his spirit form alternately. He accompanied us as we ventured forth to the beaches or park the three of us had frequented in Malibu. Each locale visited brought forth a new burst of grief and then a gradual peace. Since he was with us, I almost felt like I should still walk with two leashes in hand instead of one. Shaqqara and I began to develop a new and even sweeter relationship than we had shared even before Shalim’s arrival. Day by day I could feel Shalim’s spirit drawing us through deeper into our own essence. A sweetness and gentleness began to replace a spot of numbness that had been in my heart for years. I have stayed close to his spirit and created a set of note cards called Pookie Love Notes from pictures I took of Shalim and Shaqqara together. These cards are in gratitude to Shalim for his gift of love to me. POOKIE LOVE NOTES A set of 24 note cards with beautiful pictures depicting the love between Shaqqara and Shalim. Cards are blank inside, and can be sent for any occasion.
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In the presence of our love,
all else fades away. |
There is only one direction to go, towards greater love.
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I will dance in your heart
until you are happy and free. |
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| To order call: 866.260.6032
For your contribution of $24 to the Temple of Awakening you will receive a set of 24 note cards.(includes S&H) | |